I Realized My Parent is a Narcissist - What Do I Tell The Rest of my Family?
First of all, finding out that your parent is a narcissist can be shocking and upsetting - so, I’m sorry if you’re currently experiencing this! Let’s dive right in to what you can expect when it comes to telling the rest of your family. There are often two scenarios I encounter when it comes to family members of the narcissist:
They don’t know that the person is a narcissist and they don’t really understand narcissism.
They understand that the person is a narcissist (or, at least incredibly problematic) but they don’t think it’s worth addressing or are in denial about how much it bothers them.
And I’ll be honest, you probably can’t convince family members in either of these scenarios about what a serious issue it is to have a narcissistic parent. But there is something you CAN do!
You can learn about what helps a person to understand narcissism and what barriers your family will face in being able to recognize your parent is a narcissist.
Think about how you felt before the light bulb turned on for you... If anyone told you that your parent was a narcissist, would you have:
✨ Believed them?
✨ Felt angry towards them?
✨ Done some research?
The truth is that for most people there’s a long, uphill battle prior to accepting that someone as close as a parent is a narcissist. The majority of people don’t feel comfortable coming to terms with this, which makes sense… these are our parents! But I often find that the light bulb moment means starting a new chapter. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I think most people understand this deep down, but they’re afraid of the consequences if they accept that their family member is a narcissist. This also makes sense - the outcome is often low-contact or estrangement, which is really hard!
Most family members are in the first category - they’ve never heard of or don’t understand narcissism. This problem becomes exponentially more complicated if your family is from a culture that doesn’t really recognize narcissism. These family members aren’t trying to gaslight you or be mean-spirited, but they also probably won’t come around to your way of thinking about the narcissistic family member unless they are somehow directly impacted by that person in a way that forces them to create distance or boundaries. This is unlikely in many cases. Cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles did not experience your childhood and typically have enough space from your narcissistic parent to remain comfortable. Your siblings, if you have them, are usually the only other people who understand what it was like to be raised by your parent.
The second category is typically family members who are so used to the toxicity that they treat abuse and neglect as “normal” behavior. If your narcissistic mom has been fat-shaming your uncle for his entire life, he probably doesn’t like it, but he always just deals with it (read: buries his feelings about it), and he assumes that’s normal too. When we tell our family members that this type of behavior isn’t normal, we hold up a mirror to them. They see their own experiences reflected back and are usually shocked by your perspective on the situation. This is because it’s incredibly difficult to find out after decades of abuse, that it wasn’t something we had to tolerate, and learning we can do something about it is scary because there are intense consequences to setting boundaries with a narcissist. Most people want to avoid that in order to feel secure, and some family members will even deny your experience of what’s happening to maintain the status quo.
So what can you do about any of this?
You can try telling them anyways.
✨ If you think it’s worth the risk, give it a shot and see if there are any family members who understand the situation or have your back. Knowing how they really feel is often better than being left in the dark to wonder. And if you find out you actually DO have siblings or extended family who get it, that is the ultimate score!
You’ll have to make some decisions about what this means for your family relationships.
✨ Setting boundaries with people who haven’t necessarily been the direct source of your pain is really hard. It can feel like you’re punishing someone who is merely caught in the middle. However, I want to offer that while it’s a somewhat passive form of hurt, it isn’t okay for these family members to enable the narcissistic behavior once they know about it. Think about it: If anyone you loved told you that they’d been through abuse or neglect - would you deny their experience? Would you shrug and say, “Well that’s just how your dad is” or “Family is family”? No! So these family members aren’t completely harmless and you have to look inward to see what that means for the relationship you want to have with them.
If you’re looking for more support with setting boundaries or trying to heal from a relationship with a narcissist, I’m accepting new clients in Massachusetts! Schedule a free intro call for individual or group counseling!