How Do I Deal With My Narcissistic Family on 4th of July?
If your family gathers for July 4th, I’m guessing it’s not the picture perfect BBQ in the backyard lounging by the pool that most families idealize. Sure, maybe the food and the aesthetics are all the same - but if there’s a narcissist in the family, you’re probably dreading some family dynamics that are bound to spoil the day. In this blog, we’ll dive deep into what you can expect and how to manage narcissistic family members:
What To Expect:
Picture this phone call from your narcissistic mom:
“Hi sweetie, where are you staying for 4th of July? At the Hilton? Okay, we’ll call and request a connecting room. When are you arriving? Could you get there a few days earlier so we can show up at the same time? By the way did you ever talk to your cousin Caroline? I know she’s mad at me since July 4th last year, I was hoping you could talk to her for me. Wait, you won’t? Why not? Are you feeling okay? I’m just surprised that you wouldn’t support your own mother. I wonder what I must have done wrong in your childhood to make you hate me so much.”
Your mom just managed to make you feel guilty, angry, and anxious in less than 30 seconds because this phone call used classic examples of:
✨ Control - Narcissists use their power to influence your behavior - for example, what time you arrive, where you’ll be staying, how much time you’ll spend with them, etc.
✨ Manipulation - Narcissists try to make you feel guilty for choosing not to take on a task that isn’t your responsibility. They will also set up circumstances that make it harder for you to get out of things you don’t want to do.
✨ Gaslighting - If you refuse or deny a request, narcissists try to make you doubt whether or not that was the right choice. You might find yourself thinking you are “crazy” or “a bad person” if you don’t comply with their wishes.
We need a plan for these moments!
4 Narcissist-Proof Holiday Tools:
Set Expectations - With narcissists, giving the benefit of the doubt is what makes us feel so betrayed when they let us down. Rather than hoping your narcissistic dad will change, choose to expect that he won’t. Expect him to start an argument, tell inappropriate jokes, or maybe even drink himself into a rage. Whatever it is that he normally does, is what he will do at your 4th of July party. If he doesn’t, then that will be a wonderful surprise for you. The goal, however, is to be unsurprised when he acts the same as he always does. The acceptance of these behaviors also allows us to plan for them.
Set Boundaries - There are a few different types of boundaries to choose from, here are some examples:
Time Boundaries: Planning to show up at a specific time and leave at a specific time. Planning to only visit for a certain amount of time.
“If This Happens” Boundaries: If the narcissist does a certain thing more than once, a certain thing I told them not to do, or a certain thing that violates my boundary, I’m leaving.
Emotional Limit Boundaries: I’ll leave if I’m stressed past a 5 out of 10 (where 10 is the most stress I can imagine)
Plan An Exit Strategy - This is often overlooked because people mostly don’t consider themselves truly able to use an exit strategy. Many people say, “How am I going to leave the 4th of July party if things get bad? I’ll be stuck in Arizona!” The truth for most people is you’re not stuck. You can: rent a car, call a taxi or Uber, book accommodation separate from the rest of the family, or find a trusted family member who can drive you away!
Don’t Go - Friendly Reminder: If the relationship is unmanageable, you can choose not to attend. In normal, healthy relationships, we want our friends and family to feel comfortable with their choices. If you’re afraid of the consequences of not attending 4th of July, you’re probably dealing with a toxic person, and you don’t have to go just to appease them.
If you’re looking for more support with setting boundaries or trying to heal from a relationship with a narcissist, I’m accepting new clients in Massachusetts! Schedule a free intro call for individual or group counseling!