Why Your Nice Parent Won’t Leave Your Narcissistic Parent
Have you recently discovered that one of your parents is a narcissist? Does this parent seem unbelievably selfish and controlling while the other parent seems hopelessly attached?
This dynamic can be so frustrating for adult children of narcissists. We feel protective of the nice parent who has been abused and taken advantage of by the narcissistic parent. It can be similarly shocking and demoralizing to hear your nice parent endlessly make excuses and apologize for your narcissistic parent’s behavior. Why does this happen? Why can’t your nice parent see that the person they’ve chosen to spend their life with is a manipulative narcissist. Why can’t they admit that this situation feels horrible and choose to leave?
The simple answer is: Codependence. Let’s dig into this, shall we?
If you have a codependent parent, they may have tried to justify the behaviors you saw from your narcissistic parent during childhood. For example, if your narcissistic dad came home drunk, your codependent mom might have said, “He’s been under a lot of stress at work” or “He’s a really a good guy underneath it all.” She may have even tried to play a “fixer” role by saying things like, “Dad needs our support more than ever.” She likely never held him accountable for his actions, treated him as if he was ill or helpless, and focused on him having good intentions at heart. This is not to say your codependent mom is not empathetic. Two things can be true at once. Empathy is her superpower, but empathy without boundaries is codependency and this is her Achilles’ heel.
You might have also seen your codependent parent avoid talking about the problematic behavior. For instance, maybe your narcissistic mom treated you as the scapegoat. She may have called you an embarrassment. She might have compared you to your siblings, especially the golden child, asking, “Why can’t you be more like them?” If you had a codependent dad, he probably was present for these criticisms, but never said a word. Maybe he deflected when you asked about it later on. Maybe he pretended he wasn’t there or says he doesn’t remember that happening. Sweeping behavior under the rug highlights his codependency because it enables his narcissistic wife to get away with treating the kids like garbage. He’d doing this because the stress of addressing it feels more uncomfortable than the stress of ignoring it.
But why do they let themselves be treated this way?
If you know that speaking up for yourself is important, you’re probably astonished that your codependent parent has let things get this far. They may have even told you it’s important to express your needs while modeling the opposite behavior. Codependent people often feel a deep sense of value when they can understand and help others, but the problem occurs when they rely on others feeling “helped” to maintain a sense of worthiness. When we rely on others feeling a certain way to maintain our sense of security, we will always end up in resentment because we can’t control how others feel. Ultimately, it’s our own responsibility to love ourselves in order to feel a true sense of worthiness. This problem gets exponentially worse when a codependent person is with a narcissistic partner because a very predictable cycle occurs:
The narcissistic partner love-bombs and the codependent person feels as if they are the most special person on the planet. They are sure that the narcissistic person (who, at first, does not appear to be a narcissist) loves them deeply and values the empathy, warmth, and care they bring to the relationship.
The devaluation process begins - this is when the narcissist starts the manipulative and controlling behaviors. They belittle the codependent partner and minimize their efforts to repair conflict. The codependent partner often spends a long time (sometimes a lifetime) thinking that the partner they knew during the love-bombing stage is the “real” person underneath - and if they could just help that person see their true self again, they can finally get the relationship back on track. This is also when the codependent partner may start to avoid addressing any issues in the relationship because they think that part of being a forgiving partner is to “pick their battles”.
The narcissist knows that the codependent partner craves relational intimacy - trust, validation, comfort. Narcissists engage in a behavior called “breadcrumbing” where they offer these qualities in bits and pieces - just enough to keep the codependent partner coming back for more, but never enough to create true security. The codependent partner gradually adjusts to less and less. By the time kids come along, they are likely so used to starving for authentic love that they don’t remember what it feels like to know they deserve it. It’s also possible they have never been shown this in their lifetime and don’t realize it’s possible to have a secure, loving partnership.
Any emotional reaction you have to this makes sense. It’s really sad to understand that your codependent parent missed out on a lot of years of who they could have potentially been. Imagine if they had met someone who could really love them and help them love themself! Anger makes sense too - you didn’t ask to be the child of these people! Why did you have to get caught in the debris of this dumpster fire relationship? You may also feel grief for the childhood you missed out on because your parents were too busy creating and ignoring problems to create a secure & loving environment for you. Processing these emotions takes time and usually involves unpacking a lot of trauma. Allowing yourself to accept this reality, talking about it with trusted supports, and deciding how to move forward are the keys to healing.
Need more support? I’m Danielle, I’m a therapist & coach who specializes in helping clients heal from narcissistic relationships. Reach out for a free intro call to learn more about groups or individual counseling!