Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing?
It can seem almost impossible that narcissists really understand what they’re doing! How could anybody with a beating heart intentionally cause this much pain? This blog outlines exactly what narcissists do and don’t know about what they’re doing:
First thing’s first: This question is actually TWO questions:
Does the narcissist strategically engage in harmful behaviors?
Does the narcissist know that what they’re doing is wrong?
Let’s answer both!
Does the narcissist strategically engage in harmful behaviors?
There is probably a noticeable difference between how the narcissist treats you in public versus how they treat you in a private setting. Typically, narcissists are incredibly charming to people they don’t know very well. They know that acquaintances generally don’t tolerate behaviors such as belittling, yelling, and gaslighting. However, behind closed doors is an entirely different story.
The narcissist has worked hard to develop a relationship with you through love-bombing and mirroring your behaviors. Typically, a lot of time has passed and a lot of love has been shared. The narcissist feels entitled to treat you like garbage and dress it up as “honesty”. The difference in how they treat you depending on the setting is not a coincidence. It’s calculated. Most narcissists are hyper-aware of what they can get away with in different relationships. They test boundaries and are drawn to people who tolerate them or reward their behavior. So even when you doubt the relationship, If the narcissist has the support of your family, it will be much harder for you to leave the relationship. Your family might encourage you to give the narcissist another chance. You’ll feel guilty or as if you’re expecting too much. You may also worry about risking certain family relationships if you decide to cut ties with the narcissist. The narcissist is aware of all of these dynamics and they strategize accordingly. So the answer to this question is a resounding YES!
Does the narcissist know that what they’re doing is wrong?
Oftentimes, narcissists are raised by narcissists. These behaviors either develop because children copy the behaviors modeled by their parents or because the child was so excessively praised that they perceive themselves as superior to others. Either way, if they grew up in a family where narcissistic behavior was normalized, they probably aren’t even aware that it’s possible to live life in a way that prioritizes connection and vulnerability with loved ones. When a person is that traumatized, narcissistic behaviors become a safety net. They can’t live without it.
Narcissists have incredibly fragile egos, so when you question their behaviors or motivations, it’s too overwhelming for them to handle. That’s why it’s impossible to reason with a narcissist. The minute you do, all of their internal defenses get triggered and since they never learned how to identify a trigger or self-regulate, they turn on you instead. Their brains go, “All this chaos started when you questioned me, so YOU must be the problem.” Which leads to defensiveness, denial, devaluation, and discarding behaviors. And they justify all of this by saying, “You’re the problem. I’m just stating my truth. I’m just protecting myself.” Because in their traumatized world, that is the truth! But we know in reality, they are so traumatized that they’re incapable of developing self-awareness, self-regulation, or empathy for others. So the answer here is NO! Narcissists do not believe that what they’re doing is wrong or harmful.
I hope this helped create some clarity! If you’re looking for more support with setting boundaries or trying to heal from a relationship with a narcissist, I’m accepting new clients in Massachusetts! Schedule a free intro call for individual or group counseling!