Why Am I Always People Pleasing?

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? People pleasers are often some of the most caring individuals on the planet, but end up helping others to the expense of their own well-being. You might have big dreams for yourself or desire deeper relationships, but you forego those goals for fear of hurting others or being judged. If you are ready to receive the same help you always seem to be giving others, therapy can help you learn to advocate for your needs.

What’s so difficult about setting boundaries?

Often, my clients fear that setting boundaries is a selfish act. Someone in their past taught them that voicing their needs is uncaring toward the needs of others. It can lead my clients to physically feeling nauseous, sweaty, or jittery at the idea of communicating a boundary. This leads to minimizing their own needs and feeling responsible for the emotions and behaviors of others. They think:

“What if this person doesn’t like me anymore or I lose this relationship?”

“It will feel worse to let my friend down than to tell them I can’t help them.”

“I really don’t want to do this thing, but I’d rather get it over with than have a conversation about it.”

Everyone has needs and boundaries. It is not a selfish act to communicate these. It’s the act of prioritizing your needs. You do not have limitless energy to pour into everyone else. On airplanes, we’re always reminded to put on our own oxygen mask before helping others put their mask on. This is the same concept. You are not going to be helpful to other people if you’re not taking care of yourself.

How can therapy help with setting boundaries?

Therapists are experts at identifying the values that feel important to you. Your therapist will ask about and listen to the patterns of your likes & dislikes. For instance, you may say you love to help others, but an astute therapist may help you recognize the feeling of resentment you hold onto after you help someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate your time and energy. This process allows you to identify and prioritize the areas of life that you really care about and want to invest in. For example, once you learn that time spent with your family is more important to you than pleasing your narcissistic boss, you can do something with that information. You can start leaving work promptly at 5pm. You can ignore messages from co-workers outside of work hours. You can take all the paid time off that you’ve accrued for the entire year. Boundaries aren’t a selfish act to make other people uncomfortable. Boundaries are a way of prioritizing your needs in order to show up as your best, most authentic self in all areas of life.

Need more support? I’m Danielle, I’m a therapist in Massachusetts and I specialize in helping clients heal from narcissistic relationships. Reach out for a free intro call to learn more about groups or individual counseling!