Why Your Boundaries Don’t Work With Narcissists and How To Fix Them

If you’re the adult child of a narcissist, you may feel as if you’ve tried to set boundaries, but it’s never worked. Maybe you’ve tried to tell a parent they have to stop the manipulative behaviors or you’ll stop coming to visit. Maybe you’ve told a narcissistic partner you’re going to have to break up with them if they keep gaslighting you. You’ve probably tried all sorts of things to get your point across, but they’ve never listened to you. Or maybe they’ve told you they will listen and ended up right back in the same pattern. Let’s look at some of the most common strategies that don’t work and learn what strategies will work better:

What Doesn’t Work

• Arguing: Maybe you get into fights with the narcissistic person after they’ve lied or twisted your words or blamed you for something instead of taking accountability. Fights with narcissists will only escalate because narcissists have zero ability to self-reflect on their own flaws. Instead of acknowledging their issues, they will point the finger at you. Narcissists are able to fight as if to the death. You can’t win an argument with a narcissist and it’s not worth it to try.

• Explain: Maybe you’ve tried reasoning with the narcissist. You’ve thought to yourself that if they aren’t getting it, maybe it’s something about the way you’re explaining it that’s wrong. With a healthy person, this might work, but narcissists don’t have empathy. They don’t care about your side of the story if it means them having to admit wrongdoing or be vulnerable. Instead, they become the victims of their own story or deflect away from your emotional experience. It’s not you or your explanation that’s wrong. It’s the narcissist’s unwillingness to hear you.

• Ignore: When talking to them fails, you might choose to just ignore them. Ice them out. Give them the silent treatment. But what happens when they realize what you’re doing? They blow up your phone or harass you until you get back in touch with them. They talk to your mutual friends about how hurt they feel by your actions. In some cases, they give you a reverse silent treatment to make you feel guilty so you reach out to them.

So it goes and so you say, “The boundaries don’t work!” But after reading through these examples, I hope you’re starting to see what actually happened: You tried to set a boundary and then you were manipulated into not maintaining your boundaries. *record scratch*

What Does Work

Think about this in the context of a normal conversation with a friend…

No healthy person needs to argue with you, wants you to explain yourself, or would respond so absurdly to your boundary that you’d flat out start ignoring them. 

But as soon as a narcissist gets you to engage in any of these behaviors, they’ve maneuvered around your boundary. Because they are creating a situation that causes you so much stress that you end up somehow negotiating your boundary. 

So we need to remember, boundaries, (as Carmen Berzatto would say) are: NON-NEGOTIABLES

Boundaries aren’t up for discussion - not unless someone you love and trust very kindly asks you to discuss your boundary and YOU choose to change your boundary after getting new information or hearing their perspective. (But that’s not what we’re talking about in this blog!)

We’re talking about if you say you’re walking out the next time a narcissist gaslights you, you’re not arguing about it, you’re not explaining it, you’re not even going to bother with the silent treatment because it’s a completely reasonable boundary that’s not up for negotiation. The key to maintaining boundaries is not engaging with narcissists in any way about your boundary.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk about setting the boundary right? If it feels right, you can say something like: “I love you, I’m sorry this hurts you, and I’m still not sticking around if I feel I’m being manipulated. I don’t have anything further to discuss about that, so if it feels difficult to focus on anything else, maybe we can talk at a later time.”

And then you have to end the conversation. You have to follow through.

“But what if my parent brings it back up the next time?”

Repeat repeat repeat.

I’m not saying it will be easy. It will almost certainly be exhausting and frustrating. The point of them complaining about your boundary 1,000 more times is so you feel like you can’t say no to them or feel like it’s not worth it to set boundaries. The reality is, it’s worth it, but you’re going to find out A LOT about yourself in the process. You’ll realize when you don’t maintain boundaries and people disrespect you, you feel resentful all the time or you feel like you’re weak for letting people walk all over you. When you maintain boundaries even when people disrespect you, you’ll start to see your strength and wonder about the value of the relationship itself. You’ll realize your potential and the freedom is going to be unmatched to anything you’ve felt before. It’s hard work, but you’ve got this!

If you’re looking for more support with setting boundaries or trying to heal from a relationship with a narcissist, I’m accepting new clients in Massachusetts! Schedule a free intro call for individual or group counseling!