What To Do If Your Narcissistic Parent Has Dementia
If your narcissistic parent has dementia, you may feel confused about how to protect yourself from their abuse and offer support as a caretaker. The most important thing to remember is that there are no right or wrong answers, but having more information can help you consider your options. This blog will cover common issues that adult children of narcissistic parents encounter when their parent has dementia, as well as strategies to manage this complicated relationship.
How Dementia in Narcissistic Parents Impacts Adult Children
First of all, you are undoubtedly carrying a heavy burden in this complicated situation. There are so many ways that adult children might be impacted by their narcissistic parent developing memory issues. Below are four types of adult children I see most commonly, and how each one responds to this unique scenario. You may recognize yourself in one or multiple types:
1. The Enmeshed Adult Child: This adult child has remained close to the narcissistic parent throughout their lives. They feel a deep obligation to family, but they now feel conflicted if they’ve realized the parent has qualities of narcissism, including gaslighting, manipulation, and neglect. They are aware that problems exist in the relationship, but don’t know how to address them, and fear expressing their own feelings & needs. This child has often spent a long time in denial about their parent because they feel afraid of learning uncomfortable truths about the relationship and/or being punished. This adult child also struggles with people-pleasing and saying “no” to their parent. When the parent is diagnosed with dementia, this child is typically one of the primary caregivers, and often feels overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility and the unresolved issues with their parent.
2. The Boundaried Adult Child: This adult child has usually distanced themselves from their narcissistic parent, but the extent of the distance can vary from person to person. Sometimes this looks like physical distance where the adult child moves far away from their family of origin. Sometimes this looks like emotional distance in which the adult child expects conversations with their parent to remain surface-level. This adult child prefers this type of communication because they’ve accepted the parent cannot handle deeper emotional topics. This child might visit family often and be able to tolerate the performative nature of their emotionally immature parent, but this child might also have very strict rules such as only seeing their parent once a year during the holidays.
The thing that ties these different scenarios together is that this adult child has identified and chosen the boundaries they prefer to keep with their parent. These adult children often experience uncertainty & self-doubt when a narcissistic parent is diagnosed with dementia. Those who are closer to their parents may feel resentment and frustration with themselves for not creating stronger boundaries prior to the diagnosis. They often feel trapped in care-taking duties for their parent, even if they are volunteering to do them. Those who have created more distance often feel a sense of guilt. They second-guess if they should have been more flexible with their boundaries. They may even blame themselves for not “trying harder” while their parent was healthy. All of these doubts and uncertainties are normal, but if this is you, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s important to remember that you’ve made the best decisions you could with the information you had in each moment.
3. The Discarded Adult Child: This may come as a surprise, but quite often, I meet adult children of narcissistic parents with dementia who have been discarded by their parent. The most common situation is when the narcissistic parent has started dating a new, often younger romantic partner. The new partner gives the narcissistic parent excessive attention and praise, and then the parent “chooses” to spend their money on this new partner. The amount of money is often lavish and alarming to the adult child. It feels like a slap in the face after all the adult child has sacrificed for their parent. This adult child often finds themselves swinging between the extremes of cutting contact or remaining as the caretaker because no one else is really looking out for their parent. The second situation is when the narcissistic parent chooses to cut ties with their adult child. They may even take legal action, going as far as procuring a restraining order. This can initially leave the adult child feeling devastated, angry, and in shock. However, over time, this often gives the adult child relief and space that they’ve never had before. Their nervous systems are no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop, so they can actually take the time to process their feelings about the relationship and become aware of their own needs.
4. The No Contact Adult Child: I haven’t met an adult child who went no contact after their narcissistic parent was diagnosed with dementia. I imagine that situation exists, but I can only speak to the patterns I’ve observed, and going no contact typically happens before the diagnosis. Sometimes no contact has occurred long before the diagnosis and whether or not to reinstate contact isn’t even on the table. Often, those who have decided to go no contact have considered this possibility before it happened, and, understandably, still choose to protect their peace even if their abusive parent is struggling with cognitive decline. Often narcissistic parents will use their diagnosis as leverage for their adult child to resume contact. This is manipulation, and, to be quite frank, the parent should have thought about this before they chose to abuse their children. I am fully supportive of adult children who choose to continue no contact even through their parents’ cognitive decline. I am also supportive of adult children who choose to contact their adult parents in order to obtain some kind of closure. I would caution that the closure will likely not come from the parent, but rather that it will come from confirmation that the parent truly could not give you the emotional support you deserve. Again, there is no right answer, but it makes sense to me that an adult child may not want to spend their life questioning or regretting if they don’t reach out before their parents’ final moments.
What To Do If Your Narcissistic Parent is Diagnosed with Dementia
No matter which adult child profile you relate to, there’s three options when your parent receives a diagnosis of dementia.
Remain Close: Life expectancy shortens when a person is diagnosed with dementia. Even if you understand your parent is a narcissist, there may be a very strong part of you that loves them and wants to see them through to the end of life. There is no shame in trusting this instinct. You have to do what’s right for you, especially if you have fears that you will regret not having spent the time with them later on.
Change Your Boundaries: If you have strong boundaries with your parent, these might soften towards the end. It can feel scary to loosen boundaries because we often judge ourselves for changing our minds. We can also fear judgment from others when we shift our behaviors. It’s completely valid if the end of your parent’s life is going to require additional care-taking, and you feel an obligation to contribute. Maybe you’re not doing it for your parent, but for a sibling who would be the sole caretaker otherwise. Any reason is valid as long as it aligns with your values. The same is true in reverse. Maybe you’ve had flimsy boundaries throughout your relationship with your parent and this diagnosis is the thing that makes you realize you need more robust boundaries. If a diagnosis as significant as dementia doesn’t make them change their abusive behavior, it can offer the clarity that their behavior was never going to change in the first place. Knowing that your parent did not care and never will is a really big deal. I do not blame adult children who decide that this is the truth they needed to understand in order to strengthen their boundaries.
Remain Distant: If you already have low-to-no contact, this diagnosis may not change much for you. People who have already made such large shifts in their relationship to a parent have often already considered end-of-life possibilities. Most of these adult children have decided safety is not possible around their narcissistic parent, and, understandably, choose not to be involved in end-of-life care. Some of these adult children process their parents’ death in solitude through rituals, such as prayer, meditation, or art. Others find safe spaces with non-judgmental people where they can feel supported.
You Don’t Have To Go Through This Alone
Learning that your parent is a narcissist and taking steps to learn more, find help, and set boundaries would be stressful enough, but a dementia diagnosis on top of that is overwhelming. You don’t have to process this by yourself. Everyone has a really unique situation, and you deserve to get support. I specialize in coaching clients to understand the impacts of narcissistic trauma, identify their wants & needs, and make choices that align with their values. I also run support groups for adults Healing After Narcissistic Abuse. I have seen group members make such transformational changes by sharing their story, and gaining the tools and insight to actually heal from these relationships. If you’re ready to get support, I offer free consultations to make sure we find the best service to fit your needs. Reach out for a free intro call if you’d like to get started with individual coaching or a support group!