Why Your Codependent Parent Defends Your Narcissistic Parent (And What Adult Children Can Do)
If you have a narcissistic parent, you may have found yourself wondering why your other parent stays married to them. In many ways, this parent shares similar trauma to what you have faced at the hands of your narcissistic parent. The major difference is that you had to face it as a child, and didn’t have the power to change the situation. Your other parent struggles with feeling powerless, which sometimes is truly the case, but more often is actually a sign of codependence with your narcissistic parent.
It’s possible for adult children to understand the trauma their codependent parent has been through, while still honoring their own needs and boundaries within the relationship. Let’s be clear, even though your parent went through trauma, that doesn’t erase the fact that their actions had a very hurtful impact on you. Your feelings matter too. This blog is about helping you to understand the codependent parent, and learn how to manage the relationship in a way that feels authentic to you.
Understanding Why Your Codependent Parent Defends Your Narcissistic Parent
I like to explain codependence to my clients as an addiction to a person. Your codependent parent does not think they can live without the narcissistic parent, and probably would never admit if they wanted to leave them. The codependent parent thinks of themself as an empathetic person and believes it is their job to help fix or heal whatever is wrong with the narcissistic parent. They view the narcissistic behavior as if it is an ailment or disorder that just needs extra compassion and care.
Why is your parent codependent? People are likely to struggle with codependence if they have a low sense of self-worth. They have an extremely hard time valuing themselves, so they are willing to live off the scraps of real or perceived connection they receive from their narcissistic spouse. It feels easier to stay in familiar cycles of abuse rather than risk being alone or facing the deeply painful sense of unworthiness they feel inside. This is why they repeat unhealthy behaviors such as people-pleasing or sacrificing their needs for their narcissistic partner. Most adult children feel frustrated and confused because they see the potential for their codependent parent to change & grow. However, unless the parent believes themselves to be capable and desires change, there won’t be any shifts in these patterns.
What Your Codependent Parent’s Limitations Mean For You
It’s not very typical that a codependent parent wants to leave their marriage. Usually when a parent won’t change, it means the adult child is forced to make tough decisions about changes they need in the relationship. Adult children have to identify exactly what they’re willing to tolerate. Below are some common behaviors of codependent parents that make adult children consider boundaries:
A lack of acknowledgment of the adult child’s experience or feelings.
Parents who choose not to do emotional work or self-reflection.
Minimal to no accountability. This may look like a parent who says “I’m sorry” but doesn’t follow up with changed behavior.
Parents who personalize their children’s experience, saying things like, “I guess I’m just a bad mother.”
Dependence on the adult child for caretaking emotionally and logistically. This often makes the adult child feel as if they are parenting their own parent.
So do you cut ties? Set strong boundaries? Keep things as they are? One thing I tell all of my clients is that there’s no “right” decision. Every relationship is different. How and when you set boundaries will be different for everyone and can even change over time. But generally speaking, you’ll find yourself with a few different options.
How to Manage Your Codependent Parent
Some people decide not to make changes in the relationship with their parent. This can happen for a few different reasons. They choose to pause and give themselves time to thoughtfully reflect on their feelings about the relationship in order to avoid making a rash decision. They may be in a position where making changes to the relationship isn’t possible due to issues such as financial dependence. Others decide that the issues in the relationship are tolerable enough that the exhausting nature of setting boundaries does not feel worth the effort. All of these reasons are valid. If you do choose this path, I might suggest remaining cautious that it’s not being used as a way of avoiding the problem.
Some people learn to set and maintain boundaries with their parent. Boundaries are not how we want the other person to change - that would be a request. Boundaries are how we plan to change our own behavior if the other person doesn’t change. For example, you might request that your mom stops dropping by unannounced on the weekends. If she doesn’t stop, your boundary may be that you start turning her away when she shows up. I recommend starting small and increasing boundaries slowly. Boundary-setting helps us gather information about whether others will respect our needs, and whether your parent is willing to respect your boundaries becomes clear very quickly. Typically, the less respect we receive, the more distance we need to create with our boundaries. If you’re looking for a resource to learn more about boundaries, I love the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab!
Some people need to cut ties with their parent. Going no contact is the strongest boundary we can set. It’s essentially communicating, “You do not treat me with the most basic level of respect that I can tolerate, so I won’t be talking to you anymore.” I have never met a client who abruptly went no contact. Almost every client I’ve worked with agonized over the decision, diligently tried setting boundaries, and ultimately determined that cutting ties was a painful, but necessary last resort. If you’re in this position, it’s so understandable and valid that you don’t want to tolerate mistreatment or abuse.
Learning how to manage the relationship with your codependent parent is both stressful and healing. It involves grieving the potential of who you thought your parent could become and healing from the loss of that imagined future with your parent. There is no “correct” way to do this, or pace at which you need to make these changes. However, the support of a therapist or coaching group can really help you feel confident in your decisions and understood by a community of people who share your experience. If you are struggling with a codependent parent who enables your narcissistic parent, I have availability for individual therapy clients and openings in my support groups, including Healing After Narcissistic Abuse or Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You deserve to heal!