Why Do I Feel Guilty About Setting Boundaries With My Mom?
“She’s a good mom, but…”
I hear this disclaimer every day in sessions. Most of us are so used to saying it that we don’t even realize what we mean by it. I was sitting in a cafe one day when I overheard a conversation between two people talking about their parents.
The man said, “She’s a good mom, but I can’t say anything that she could possibly perceive as criticism or she’ll fall apart and ask me if she’s a bad mother.
The woman across the table responded, “I think that would be hard for anyone… but I also heard you say she’s a good mom… I wonder what you mean by that?”
The man laughed and said, “You know what? She’s not! I don’t even know why I said it.”
This is a classic representation of how deeply many of us value loyalty to our parents. We’ve been taught to respect them and, often when it comes to emotionally immature parents, to revere them. We’ve been taught that the roles we play in relationship to each other are more valuable than the way we treat each other.
We are told as children, “You can’t speak to me that way, I’m your mother.” and as adults, we find ourselves saying, “What am I supposed to do - she’s my mom.”
This blog is to help you understand why you feel so guilty at the idea of setting boundaries with your mom. To do that, we need to understand how your mom views boundaries and what she might have taught you as a child. Then we can learn how you might have carried childhood lessons into adulthood where they no longer feel helpful.
Why Boundary Setting Feels So Uncomfortable With Your Mom
If you have a mom who expects her children not to have boundaries, then you can pretty safely assume that she has a parent who expected her not to set boundaries. This type of childcare setup is very convenient for parents and very damaging for kids. As a child of this type of mother, you never feel encouraged to have your own opinions, wants, or needs without approval from your mother. In your childhood, she might have controlled the media you consumed, the food you ate, or the friends you visited. In adulthood, she responds with negativity if you share your achievements and tells you “don’t cry” if you feel upset. She wants far too much access to the details of your private life, but if you try to set a boundary, she’ll throw a pity party and victimize herself as a bad mother. She always seems to blame you, but if you were ever to name this to her, she would refuse to acknowledge it or take accountability.
All of this grooms a child to become a people-pleaser, and prevents a child from individuating from their parent. Individuation is the process of creating a separate identity from your parents. You’re an adult who has built your own set of values and opinions. You have a sense of self that is unique and not based on who your mom wishes you were. Your mom discourages this process when she says things like, “I can’t believe I have such an ungrateful daughter” or “I must be such a terrible mother!” She has guilt-tripped you since you were a child into believing that any separation from her is morally wrong. Boundaries inherently involve separation, which is why you feel guilty setting them.
Why does she do this? It all comes down to this: Your mom wants control without consequences. She over-values hierarchy. She buys into the idea that children are supposed to respect their mothers solely because the role of parent deserves unquestionable deference. She believes that children who resist this are spoiled or ungrateful. And, to top it off, she feels like she has “earned” this by obeying her own mother in the same way.
Is it unreasonable? Yes - healthy moms want their children to have boundaries.
Will she ever change? Probably not.
Here’s why: When you obey your mom, she feels like she matters to you.
It’s a false sense of connection.
It’s control dressed up as love.
But she feels it nonetheless.
This is how she believes love works in a parent-child relationship - by remaining in control of her child. She doesn’t understand the difference between the love of being deeply understood by a parent and the love that comes from simply being related.
Most emotionally immature parents don’t experience empathy, so she probably doesn’t know how to offer you emotional understanding (which fosters a deeper kind of love). This is what she was taught love looks like by her own mother. Her mom didn’t reflect her feelings back to her as a child. Her mom didn’t validate her thoughts & opinions. Her mom didn’t sit with her through the hard stuff. It’s okay to understand that and feel compassion for what your mom went through… but here’s the thing:
Your mom didn’t do any of that stuff for you either! You can hold compassion for her and hold boundaries for yourself. The reason you feel guilty is because it feels like holding boundaries contradicts having compassion for your mom, but both of these things can exist at the same time. You can understand that she was not given the kind of parenting she deserved while knowing that you also deserved better parenting. You can also hold onto the reality that she is not open to changing as a parent at this time, which means you will have to change how you respond to her neglect and mistreatment.
“But How Do I Stop Feeling Guilty Enough To Set The Boundary?”
Here’s the hard truth that no one wants to say out loud: You won’t stop feeling guilty before you start setting boundaries.
But… it gets easier with practice.
The guilt doesn’t alleviate just because we understand why it exists. Understanding can offer us short-term relief, but there are two more things that help in the long-term:
We prove to ourselves we can set a boundary: It’s one thing to know why you feel guilty. It’s entirely another thing to show yourself that your boundaries matter despite feeling guilty. We feel relief because we did the hard thing, and that provides both self-preservation and empowerment.
We accept that our parent is choosing not to change (at least for now): This takes time to sink in. It’s also not a linear adjustment. Some days you will feel more acceptance than other days. But gradually over time, this gets easier as well.
When we face our parents with boundaries for the first time it’s normal to feel like we’ve reverted to a school-aged version of ourself looking up at the parents who raised, fed, & sheltered us. It brings up fear, doubt, anxiety, and guilt. Even if our mind is in the present, our bodies feel stuck in the past. It takes practice and time for our bodies to catch up with where our mind is presently.
We can’t just understand the problem intellectually, we also have to take actions that show ourselves that we are changing. This essentially updates our perspective from the time when we were scared little kids who didn’t have the option to set a boundary with our parents into the adults we are now who have agency over our decision-making. It’s like building any skill. You won’t have the muscles until you lift the weights. Somatic therapies, such as EMDR or IFS, can really help with this part of the journey.
How Do I Set Boundaries With My Mom?
Start small. There are many different types of boundaries you can set and most people want to set the least amount possible. That may not be the case for everyone - if you’re ready to pull the trigger on a huge boundary, more power to you! The types of boundaries you might set will apply either way.
Time Boundaries: Time boundaries are meant to reduce the amount of time currently spend with your mother. Here are a few examples of how to do that:
If you visit your mom on the weekend, do you spend all day with her? You might want to limit that to just a few hours.
Maybe you’re used to daily phone calls. In that case, how often do you prefer the frequency of calls? - Weekly? Monthly?
If your mom lives far away, she might visit a few times a year. How would it feel to reduce the frequency to just the holidays?
Behavioral Boundaries: These boundaries represent how you will respond if your mom exhibits a certain behavior. Adult children tend to predict with almost painful accuracy how their parents will misbehave (thanks, hypervigilance!) For example, you might leave a holiday party if your mom…
Takes over the conversation at the dinner table, won’t let go of the idea that your brother’s girlfriend isn’t good enough for him, and cries if you don’t agree with her perspective.
Corners you in a room, asks if you think she’s a bad mother, and/or wants to have “a talk” about your relationship and why you seem so distant lately.
Drinks one too many, starts breaking things, or gets particularly nasty with her sister who she’s held a grudge with for the last year and a half.
Distress Tolerance Boundaries: These are boundaries you implement based on how you feel internally. You can measure it in a few ways:
On a scale of 0-10, if 0 is no distress and 10 is the most distress you can imagine… how distressing does this interaction with your mom feel? If it’s past a 5, give yourself permission to go home early.
If scales aren’t your thing, you can think of it this way: Does the discomfort inside of you feel like it’s whispering, talking, or yelling? Once we get to talking, it might be time to go. Once we get to yelling, it’s definitely time to leave.
One thing I would definitely not recommend is setting boundaries with an emotionally immature mom in the same way you might set boundaries with a friend. When you set boundaries with a close friend or supportive family member, it can feel scary but it usually leads to mutual understanding. It’s a moment of repair and can often deepen the relationship. Boundaries with emotionally immature mothers are not meant to be a collaboration. You’re not asking permission and you’re not asking if your mom can tolerate change. You’re telling your mom what is happening next. (Meaning, you’re not telling her what she’s doing next. Only what you’re doing next. - Remember, you can’t change her. You can only change how you respond to her.) Her response to that may be guilt-tripping, but you’re not doing anything wrong by setting a boundary.
You Can Set Boundaries With Your Mom
The important takeaway is that you can learn to sit with guilt and set boundaries. You also don’t have to do it all at once. Find the pace that feels right for you.
Is it going to be hard? Yes.
Is it going to be worth it? Yes.
Because the bottom line is you’re either going to sacrifice yourself or you’re going to sacrifice your mom’s expectations of you. I heard a beautiful quote recently:
“I would rather adjust my life to accommodate your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.
Sitting with guilt and setting boundaries is a steep learning curve. There’s a reason I specifically work with adult children of emotionally immature parents: I love supporting people with this. I offer individual therapy as well as support groups. Therapy can help us go deeper in processing your feelings and helping you tolerate the distress of feeling guilt. Support groups are a powerful way to heal in community with others who share these struggles and are working together to make decisions that feel right to them. If you’re ready to heal, reach out for a free intro call to join a support group or begin therapy.