The Golden Child to Scapegoat Pipeline

“I Thought I Had a Normal Childhood…”

It’s a long fall from the top. I see so many clients who were considered the golden child growing up. They got straight A’s in school, never got into trouble, and were considered the “easy” kid. They usually had one one (if not many) talents in either athletics or the arts. Their parents gloated about their accomplishments to friends & family. It’s quite common that these clients tell me both, “My parents were very loving” and “My parents really need to be in control.”

The lightbulb moment most often happens when adult children go to college or move in with roommates. They talk with other people their age who grew up in different households. They share stories about childhood that they thought were normal.

“My mom made me lose weight to fit into a ballet costume.”

“My dad threw a plate across the room one night when I hadn’t finished my homework yet.”

Others might raise an eyebrow, get very quiet, or gasp in surprise. Those responses are how young adults realize that something is not normal about the family they grew up in.

How a Golden Child Grows Up

The golden child usually doesn’t recognize their family role because they are placed on a pedestal from the time they are born. Their parent says they can do no wrong, so they feel a deep pressure to do everything right. They’ve also been groomed from a young age to believe that fulfilling their parents’ expectations of greatness is normal. They feel a dependence on achievement. That’s why many golden children grow up into top athletes, successful artists, or C-Suite executives.

But the problem is that many golden children are plagued with self-doubt and perfectionism because they tie their self-worth to meeting expectations. They often struggle with anxiety, depression, or both because they struggle to find meaning outside of what they can accomplish. They feel worried that they aren’t living up to standards and they feel hopelessly stuck, as if they’re in a mental prison of their own making.

But that prison cell isn’t just some random structure they force themselves to live in. The steel bars holding them in were actually constructed by their parents while they were just children.

Kids want to make their parents proud. An emotionally immature mother may say, “My daughter is already a shark, she’s going to Harvard to become a lawyer.” But what if that daughter is only 15, just joined the mock trial club, and loses her first debate? If the mother responds, “I’m so disappointed in you” then her daughter is going to crumble. Kids require validation and support from their parents, especially when something bad happens. They can’t only receive praise upon meeting their parents’ expectations and only receive judgment when they miss the mark.

The Reckoning Moment for a Golden Child

But here’s where the problem comes in. In adulthood, people grow the awareness that they’ve been so preoccupied with their parents’ expectations that they’ve never had a chance to consider the impacts of those expectations. Golden children rarely take a moment to consider how they feel in response to a parents mistreatment, and they almost never consider what expectations they have of themselves outside of what others think. In adulthood, they have an opportunity to start taking the reins of their own lives. This moment of reckoning is often pretty earth-shattering for a former golden child.

Upon gaining this perspective, a golden child will naturally frame the problem as unhealthy family dynamics - and they’re not wrong, but their emotionally immature parent will not see it that way. The golden child will try to explain the problem, but a parent who does not self-reflect or take accountability will personalize this to mean that they are at fault as a parent. They will become defensive or self-victimizing (saying things like, “I must be such a bad mother.”). They will likely blame their adult child and make it the child’s responsibility to “fix” the problem - continuing the unhealthy pattern of making the child responsible for burdens they should never have had to carry in the first place.

This is the major turning point. Some golden children will believe their parent is correct and that it’s the adult child’s responsibility to cope if they are unhappy. As a therapist, I disagree with the idea that adult children are responsible for all of the work in the relationship. I think that parents must do emotional work in order to sustain relationships with their children. Most of my clients find me when their parents choose not to do this work.

How The Golden Child Becomes a Scapegoat

When an adult child begins to express their frustration with the parent-child dynamic, they will gradually be removed from the “golden child” position. Emotionally immature parents will likely respond to their adult child’s anger with avoidance or defensiveness. The golden child role will begin to disappear more rapidly as the adult child begins to identify and state boundaries, such as “I need to take a break from our weekly phone calls.”

You can’t be the golden child and have boundaries.

This is when the parent will firmly start transitioning the former golden child into the role of “scapegoat”. The scapegoat is the child who the parent blames for every problem.

“I could have gone on so many more trips if I hadn’t been financially supporting you and my granddaughter.”

“Your therapist has taught you to be ungrateful to your own mother.”

“I never said that, and if I did, it’s because you provoked me.”

The parent’s derision will be unveiled and often shocking to a former golden child. It’s designed this way. This is the parent trying to “scare sense” into the adult child. But it’s almost impossible to unsee the manipulation once an adult child has identified narcissistic or emotionally immature traits in their parent. From this point, the adult child will go on a journey of deciding where exactly their boundaries are with their parents. Despite being the scapegoat, they will search for answers of how to move forward with the relationship with their parents. They attend therapy or go to support groups to find clarity and community.

How To Reclaim Your Sense of Self

I am passionate about helping adult children who have reached this point. I run support groups and offer therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents and for adults healing after narcissistic abuse. I find that support groups are incredibly helpful for gaining education about the abuse and mistreatment that adult children have endured. I also believe that support groups are the most effective way to find connection in what can be an incredibly lonely journey. One of the things that I hear most in my support groups is “people don’t understand this problem.” That is sadly so true. People who have been through this need each other for care, perspective, and mutual aid.

I also offer trauma therapy to women who are ready for the deeper healing work. My approach blends EMDR & IFS, and focuses on healing from traumatic memories and deepening your understanding of your inner world. I find that one of the most helpful aspects of this is the insight & relief gained from working with different parts of oneself, such as the inner child or inner critic.

This is not just talk therapy. These approaches are made to help you move past intellectualizing your feelings and actually process them in order to feel relief. Healing from childhood trauma or mistreatment takes specialty care. I most often hear from my clients that they struggle with loneliness, difficulty trusting themselves and others, and feeling like they’ve lost themselves. If this resonates with you, I want you to know there is hope. I know it feels hopeless, but there is a light at the other end of that tunnel. If you’re ready to heal, reach out for a free intro call to join a support group or begin therapy.