Defensive or Defeated: Why Women are Sick of Being Stuck with a Manchild (and what to do about it)

How Did We Get Here?

So many heterosexual relationship issues boil down to a woman who is fed up with him being unwilling to listen or care, and a man who feels like she expects too much. But we never start here. In the honeymoon phase, both partners are usually showing the best versions of themselves to each other. Gradually, cracks start to form in the foundation. He begins to show a temper, he withdraws or gets activated when he’s insecure, and he shows little to no interest in examining his issues or initiating repair work. In those first few years women tend to think:

“He’s been having a rough go of it lately. This isn’t his usual self.”

“I’m going to make space for this because I would want him to do the same for me.”

“I’m sure he will come around. There’s plenty of times in the past where he’s shown he can.”

But after some time, the problems stop being the exception and start being the rule. The man you met in the beginning of the relationship feels essentially like a different person. Your nervous system is on edge around him. You find yourself anticipating conflict. You are keenly aware of his moods because it dictates how the day is going to go. You mentally prepare for hard conversations by replaying all of the different strategies you can use in order to prevent his defensiveness. Despite your efforts, he doesn’t seem to want to break unhealthy patterns. And even if he says he wants to, he’s not breaking them in practice.

Typical Behavioral Patterns of Emotionally Immature Men

Emotionally immature men make women feel drained, hopeless, self-doubting, anxious, & depressed throughout the relationship. There is nothing that will deplete your energy like a man who needs to change and simply won’t. The patterns pile up:

✨ He doesn’t take accountability for his actions. If he does, it’s the outlier. You may have had to walk him through why he needs to apologize, the feelings he needs to acknowledge, and the change he needs to commit to in order to make you feel understood. (Which then leaves you feeling like the apology is inauthentic because he could just be parroting back what you said.)

✨ Conflicts wind up with him feeling defeated and entering a shame spiral. He cannot tolerate the distress of having this conversation, so now you have to take care of his dysregulation at listening to your feelings. Your original point and feelings are completely shoved aside and you are left with the uncertainty of whether he or you will bring it back up later.

✨ He denies your truth, gets defensive, and/or starts an argument. He brings up “what about-isms” – “What about the times where you’ve forgotten to do the dishes?” He accuses you of not seeing things from his point of view. He accuses you of expecting perfection from him. Sometimes he yells, sometimes he abandons the conversation and physically leaves your home.

✨ He makes assumptions about your feelings and desires, and makes decisions based on this rather than asking for your perspective. For example, he assumes you don’t need help with chores or errands because you didn’t ask for it. He sits on the couch and plays video games while you complete these tasks because it’s become easier to just do it than to ask for help and be met with defensiveness or defeat.

✨ This pattern happens so regularly that you are now anxious to even begin talking about problems in the relationship because it’s easier to keep the peace or sweep it under the rug than to witness the patterns of defense or defeat.

✨ He says he intends to change, but never does. Or he does for a short-time before reverting back to old habits.

✨ He never initiates conversation about feelings, problems, or conflict resolution and you feel completely alone in carrying the emotional and logistical burden.

✨ You slowly come to realize that his indecision is his decision. He lacks willingness to talk about relationship issues and when it’s brought up he wants to delay the conversation or stop talking about it altogether.

✨ He insults or criticizes you, and if you call him out he reverts to “that’s not what I meant” or “I was just joking” or “give me a break”. The problem isn’t that you are too sensitive. The problem is that he doesn’t communicate clearly enough.

✨ You read self-help books and listen to therapists on YouTube explain how to heal in relationships. Then you put down the book in defeat or stop scrolling when you realize he is not going to put the same (or any) effort into repairing the issues between you.

✨ You have tried couples therapy but it feels like you are sitting there watching him receive individual therapy. Sometimes the couples therapist frames the problem as a difference of opinion or a disagreement, when you have a (correct) sense that this is actually a matter of him not being able to regulate his emotions.

Now What?

The most difficult barrier women face in these relationships is knowing where to draw the line. Because mistakes are different from mistreatment which is different from abuse. Emotionally immature men often swing between all of these – making it very difficult to pin down exactly what is worth sticking around for. You know that doubt in relationships is normal, but you constantly ask yourself, “How much is too much?”

You’re asking a good question, but there’s more to this puzzle. Usually when women ask this question they mean “What is normal to expect?” That’s important. If you can help it, you need to get yourself out of an abusive situation. But there’s a different complexity to a situation where not everything is abusive or neglectful, and in fact, most things fall under mistakes & mistreatment. In this situation, we have to ask ourselves “How much is too much for me?”

If you’re struggling to answer that, a few helpful indications might be:

Are you enjoying your relationship more than you are being negatively impacted by it?

If your partner makes healthy changes to his behavior, how frequently do these changes happen? Can he sustain the changes?

Can he attune to your feelings? Does he ask about them? How often does this happen?

Do you enjoy being in his company? Do you enjoy being outside of his company?

Can you feel emotional or physical improvements in your well-being when you are away from him? Do you breathe easier? Do certain symptoms reduce or disappear altogether?

Do you have an intuitive sense or gut feeling about whether this relationship is sustainable? (it’s okay if you don’t!)

Are you being triggered by his behavior in ways in which you would like to explore further with a therapist?

I’d suggest journaling your answers to some of these questions. Here’s the catch: You might get to the end and still not know what to do. I’m here to tell you that’s okay. Sometimes women judge themselves as cowardly for not making the decision soon enough, but there is no pace at which you have to make a decision about this. Being in the process for as long as it takes indicates that you’re taking care to make a thoughtful decision rather than an impulsive choice. It can help to remind yourself that this process tends to be complicated and messy. Have patience with yourself.

But Where Does All Of This Lead?

All women will find themselves on one of the three paths below, but the timing depends completely on how your unique relationship ebbs and flows. I can’t stress this enough: It’s okay to need more time before making a decision - whether that’s days, months, or years.

1. You’ll decide to leave. The bad will outweigh the good. His mistreatment is too frequent and/or too intense compared to the times he treats you with kindness. You may have physical or emotional symptoms that flare up or last for so much longer while you are with him than while you are away from him. You may have a gut feeling, an inner knowing that says, “I deserve better.” In some ways you will feel awful, heartbreaking grief. In some ways, you will feel freedom because you know that even though the relationship didn’t work out, you made the right decision for yourself. Men may let you down, but you won’t let you down.

2. You’ll decide not to decide yet. You’ll choose to stay in the messy middle. There may be steps to take, such as receiving individual or couples counseling. It’s normal to leave no stone unturned, so that if you decide to leave, you’ll know you did everything you could to make it work.

3. You’ll decide to stay. Some men are capable of change and learn that there are underlying issues that can be worked through. In therapy, he becomes aware of his mental health issues, such as trauma, undiagnosed neurodivergence, depression, anxiety, or substance use issues. From there, he undergoes healing transformation which allows him to show up more fully for his partner. Let me be clear: this exists. And even in this situation, there is so much pressure for women to leave these types of men. In some ways, this makes sense because women have to be tremendously patient while men go through this process. It’s not easy. But it’s also completely valid if the changes you are seeing and the benefits you are feeling outweigh the level of patience you feel you have to maintain during this process.

Some Hope For Your Wounded Heart

Being in a situation where you doubt your relationship sucks on so many levels. You feel a mixture of defeat, heartbreak, rage, self-doubt, and anxiety. You lose sleep. Your appetite is completely off. You wonder how you ended up with a manchild. If you’re like many women, you’ve probably put yourself through the wringer before you’ve even acknowledged to yourself that something has to give. It’s exhausting.

I specialize in helping millennial women who are navigating emotionally immature relationships. Whether you need help processing your feelings about a current or past partner, I am here to help you sort through it. To talk through the situation. To relieve the burdens of any trauma you’ve experienced. My goal is to empower women to feel confident in their relationship decisions & choose what’s right for them. If you’re ready to do this work, please feel free to reach out for a free intro call to get started.

Disclaimer: This blog intentionally centers on heterosexual relationships in which the woman is struggling with an emotionally immature man because this is the most common dynamic I see in my therapy practice. While this dynamic is often true of relationships between cis-men and cis-women, I want to be clear that these types of dynamics can happen between people of any gender. Of course statistics on gender norms can help normalize our experience, but when it comes to each individual relationship, if you relate to the content above, then it probably applies to your situation, regardless of you or your partner’s gender identity.